She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
