The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
