I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
