do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize