When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
