I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
