On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
