happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
