Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
