the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
