Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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