i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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