Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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