i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
