looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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