dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
