her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
