Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
