So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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