They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
