she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
