my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
