If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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