my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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