This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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