you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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