i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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