is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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