Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
