New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
