also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
