At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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