i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
