oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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