His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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