I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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