using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
