she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
