just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
