So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
