My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Too much gin, very little bucket
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
