Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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