I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
