You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
