I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
