I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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