I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
