it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
