I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
