True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
