I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
