a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
