I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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