He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
