I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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