no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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