i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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