Cold hands, warm shart.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
