I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize