i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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