I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
