Just fell off a train. Bad.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
