i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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